A recent conversation I had with my shrink revealed that I am sick. As long as I'm not, apparently.
Doctor: My official diagnosis is that you are suffering from what is known as Oppositional Defiance Disorder, or ODD.
Me: Oh, that makes sense. I agree. I definitely have that.
Doc: You can't agree. You have ODD.
Me: I know I do, I'm not opposing that.
Doc: But you have to oppose it because you have it.
Me: I know I have it. That's what I'm saying.
Doc: You can't say that. I have to say it. Then you oppose it.
Me: But if I oppose it, I’m disagreeing with you that I have it even though I do.
Doc: Yes.
Me: Yes?
Doc: Yes.
Me: So you want me to say that I don’t have something I have so that you can say I have it?
Doc: I’m not just saying it. You do have it.
Me: But what if I really didn’t have it?
Doc: You don’t.
Me: But you just said I do.
Doc: I did, but you said you do too.
Me: But I do!
Doc: You can’t say that. Then you wouldn’t have it. You can only say you don’t have it if you do.
Me: But what if I don’t have it
Doc: That’s better.
Me: No, what if I really didn’t have it.
Doc: Now we’re talking. A bit more of this and you may have Stage 2 ODD.
Me: Well let’s say just for kicks that I don’t have it.
Doc: Do you think often about kicking? Violent tendencies could mean stage 3.
Me: No, I don’t want to kick anything. I’m simply saying that hypothetically speaking-
Doc: As in alternate reality? Delusions?
Me: No!
Doc: There we go. Vehement defiance. Good.
Me: Alright. Listen, Doc. What if you didn’t think I have ODD. Then what?
Doc: You couldn’t really not have it.
Me: Sure I could. If I really didn't not have it, I could say, “I don’t really have this.”
Doc: But then you’d be opposing me which means you would have it.
Me: So if I have ODD and you say I do and I say I don’t, I do. But if I do have it and you say I do and I say I don’t, I have it anyway.
Doc: Yes, do you agree?
Me: No.
Doc: Good, now we’re getting somewhere.
Me: No we’re not.
Doc: Precisely.
Me: Errgh. So your saying whether or not I have ODD –
Doc: You do.
Me: Ok, lets say I do.
Doc: I did.
Me: But now I’m saying it too.
Doc: You can’t.
Me: I just did.
Doc: But you can’t.
Me: But I did.
Doc: It’s impossible for you to have said you have it.
Me: Why?
Doc: Because you have it.
Me: So whether or not I have it, I have it, even if I don’t have it and I declare I don’t.
Doc: Especially if you declare you don’t.
Me: And if I do?
Doc: You do.
Me: I just can’t say I do.
Doc: No, you can’t say you do.
Me: But if I do have it?
Doc: You wouldn’t say you have it.
Me: Why can’t I say I have something if I have it?
Doc: Because that would be saying you don’t have it.
Me: But I do.
Doc: But you can’t say it.
Me: I’m not saying I have it.
Doc: Precisely.
Me: @&!#%!...... Like I said, if I have it or don’t have it, I have it either way.
Doc: No, not either way. You could just not have it.
Me: But that’s what I said!
Doc: You said you don’t have it.
Me: I know.
Doc: You said you don’t have it when you do have it.
Me: But when don’t I have it?
Doc: When you don’t have it and say you don’t have it.
Me: What about when I do have it?
Doc: Then you would say you don’t have it.
Me: So I say I don’t have it when I don’t but also when I do.
Doc: Precisely.
Patient: Then when don’t I not have it and can say I don’t have it.
Doc: I don’t know. I’m just telling you you have it. If you didn’t have it you certainly couldn’t say you had it because then you would have it.
Me: O.M.G. So Doc. If I have ODD, and I say I don’t, I do. But if I say I do when I do, I also do, or don’t I? Nevermind, it doesn’t matter.
Doc: Exactly.
Me: Then how about now?
Doc: Now?
Me: Yes, now. Do I have ODD right now?
Doc: Of course you have it, don’t you think?
Me: No!
Doc: Precisely!
Me: So everyone always has it.
Doc: Only if they say they don’t.
Me: But what if they really do?
Doc: Then they say they don’t.
Me: And if they don’t?
Doc: What? Say they do?
Me: Yes!...No....No?...I don’t know!
Doc: Well now your suffering from DAD.
Me: What’s that?!
Doc: Decision Anxiety Disorder.
Me……Just give me my meds.
